


Listen To The War (It Sounds As Bad As It Looks)

by feverpitchfiasco



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Cussing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I'm a fan of the f-bomb and given the situation I think they would be too, M/M, Sick Bones, Sickfic, mentions of dying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-07
Updated: 2015-03-24
Packaged: 2018-01-14 23:04:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1282048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feverpitchfiasco/pseuds/feverpitchfiasco
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard McCoy has pulled people from the sausage grinder time and again. Being in Starfleet means acknowledging that there are a million messy ways you might die. So when his own body turns against him, well. He can't say he's necessarily surprised.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title is a M*A*S*H quote.

“Captain, I do not believe that Doctor McCoy’s presence is required on the bridge at this time. The reports you requested could be delivered to your PADD. Mine would also have sufficed.” Spock’s eyebrow marched toward his hairline as Leonard gestured at him.

“Exactly! Thank you, Spock. For once your logic is logical. Here are the reports. If you need anything else, I’ll be in sickbay. Where I belong. Captain.” Leonard jerked his head in a quick nod and spun on his heel to walk away.

“Sure thing, Lieutenant Commander McCoy.” Jim put an odd emphasis on Leonard’s title. “Before you go, though, how about answering a quick question?”

No one missed the way Leonard took a deep breath before squaring his shoulders and turning around. The bridge was silent as everyone watched.  
“Don’t do this. Not here.” Jaw clenching, hands in fists by his side.

“Why not here? Why not in front of our friends and colleagues, Bones? Just give me a straight answer and I’ll leave you alone and let you go back to medbay. Why. Did. You. _Leave me_?” Jim had pushed himself out of his chair, standing beside it and facing the doctor. Silence ruled the bridge as everyone watched. Waited.

“Damnit, Jim! Don't put me on the spot! Just trust me when I say I did it for your own good. Haven’t I always looked out for your best interests?” With pleading eyes, Leonard took a step toward the turbolift.

“How can I trust you when you won’t tell me why? How am I not supposed to think there’s someone else, or something wrong with me? What did I do to make you treat me so cold?” His last word was little more than a gasp as Leonard rushed at him.

“You can say or think whatever the hell you want about me. I’m an alcoholic divorcee. I’m too angry, too impatient, and I’m hard to get along with. But there are two things that I pride myself on, and will not let you say otherwise. One is my talent as a doctor, and the other is that I love you with all my heart, Jim Kirk. So don’t you _dare_ tell me that I’m treating you cold. It’s either break your heart now, or break it later. And I’d rather break it now before I put you through everything later!” Leonard’s face was turning white as a sheen of sweat broke out over his forehead. 

“Why are you so sure you’re going to break my heart? Do this now, and you definitely break it. Do this later, and it's only a possibility.” Jim threw his hands in the air before scrubbing across the back of his neck.

“It’s not a hypothetical situation, Jim. I know I’d break your heart later because I’m _dying_ , you asshole! I watched as my Dad died slowly and painfully. And I’ll be damned if I put you through that as well! Now thank you _so_ much for pushing me in front of my damn friends. I’d have told people when I was ready. Alone. In private and on _my_ terms, Jim. Now. I have patients to see in medbay, while I’m still healthy enough to see to them.” Leonard spun on his heel and stomped into the turbolift. The doors closed with a whoosh and he was gone.

Jim felt his chest tighten and the silence pound in his ears as he tried to process all the new information. Dying. Dying. Bones was dying. His Bones. His eyes dropped to the floor, wide open. He was vaguely aware of someone shaking him. Uhura grabbed his jaw and forced him to look at her.

“What are you waiting for?! Go after him, Jim! Jesus. Spock will cover the rest of your shift. We’re at least a day and a half from our next destination, even at warp. Unless something unforeseen pops up, we don’t need you here. Go. After. Him.” She shoved him at the turbolift before returning to her station and staring at the blank screen.

Inside the lift, Jim's wet, wheezing breaths drowned out the mechanical whoosh. Christine grabbed his elbow and steered him into Leonard’s office when the doors opened. The doctor was sat at his desk, slumped over, forehead resting on the smooth surface.

“Look. I know it’s none of my business how you guys sort this out. But you have to sort it out. We’ll figure something out, McCoy. You have too many brilliant people on your side, and everyone has a few favors we can cash in and hand out. If we go down, we go down fighting, damnit.” She nodded curtly and left them alone.

“Why didn’t you tell me, Bones? Why did you lie? I’d have found out sooner or later, you know.” Jim sat down, leg bouncing in place. Leonard sat up, but immediately buried his head in his hands. Refusing to look at Jim.

“I won’t make you.” Jim reached across the desk at the pain in Leonard's voice.

“Won’t make me do what?”

“I won’t make you watch me die.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cat's out of the bag already, so let's just get everyone together and only have this conversation once. A plan of attack is important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo... That sure was a year between updates. Over a year. A year and a week. I wrote that first chapter and then my short attention span skedaddled onto other things. After a recent look through my WIPs, I fell back in love with this story and changed a good deal of what I had planned for it. I'm super excited about this, and I really can't wait to write more of it! 
> 
> I promise it won't be another year before chapter 3 gets posted.

“What the hell was that, Bones? You drop that bomb on the bridge and then have the nerve to just sit there? I’m calling bullshit.” Jim ground out through gritted teeth. White knuckled fists hung at his side as he trembled. A spring too tightly coiled.

“You wanna know why I’m so calm right now, Jim? You want to know how I can sit here, steady and collected, and tell you guys that while I was hoping for months the test results are telling me I have weeks to live? I can’t afford to panic. Screaming, yelling, and crying won’t fix me. I need to think rationally and logically about this if I’m going to increase my odds. So if you’d sit your ass back down and stop freaking out, that’d go a hell of a long way with me right now. We can talk privately, after I bring everyone up to speed.” Leonard clenched his jaw as Jim sank back into his chair, Uhura placing a steadying hand on the Captain’s shoulder.

“What can you tell us, Leonard? When, where, and what have you contracted?” Uhura’s voice wavered, her usually placid demeanor crumbling.

“I most likely contracted this on one of the cluster of planets we visited about a week, week and a half ago. I went to all those little villages while you guys were doing your diplomatic thing in the bigger metropolises. There’re a lot of diseases that run rampant in those areas because they don’t have the same access to technology and advanced medicine as big cities. Unfortunately, knowing the where and when I got sick isn’t going to be of much help.” Leonard shrugged and tried to smile. Jim opened his mouth to argue when Spock stepped forward.

“Doctor McCoy is correct. Given the physiological differences between humans and the races native to the planets we visited, there is no telling how accurately we could compare his symptoms to theirs. The disease might even act entirely different in his body. Our best bet will be to focus on his specific symptoms.” Leonard nodded at Spock and worried at his lower lip.

“The where and when I got sick don’t really matter. What does matter is the what and the how. What I contracted and how we’re gonna fix it. I don’t know what I have because I can’t find anything technically wrong with me. Nothing’s showing on a tox screen, scans are clear. For all intents and purposes, my body shouldn’t be shutting down like this. Whatever it is, it’s attacking my muscular system. If it continues in the way we’re thinking it will, the muscular weakness will advance to the point where I can’t breathe on my own and my internal organs will just stop being able to do anything. Spock’s right though. The best course of action will be to focus on stopping the symptoms from progressing. See what we can learn about it, and hopefully that’ll give us a clue on how to treat it. If nothing else, it might give insights on how to treat this thing in the future. I’m patient zero here, and I’d like to learn more about this before it kills me.” 

Christine jumped up from her chair, driving a fingertip into the surface. “To be honest here, McCoy; I don’t care much about other people right now. We’ve done the tests. We know that whatever you have isn’t contagious. No other crewman are at risk here so I’m more focused on you. As you should be. We’re not losing you without a fight, dammit. So fuck you for climbing into your grave this early.” The others nodded and murmured along with her. Leonard sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. 

“Look, I’m not trying to be nihilistic about this. But I’m hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. That’s it. You really think I want to die? You’ve seen my test results. They’re not promising. So yeah, I’m more worried about helping people who might suffer from this in the future. I may or may not be able to help myself, but it’s worth dying if I can help others!” Leonard threw his hands up, eyebrows climbing into his hairline. 

“Ok. Ok. I can see your point here, Bones. Just don’t give up, that’s all I ask. Promise me you’ll fight this.” Jim all but whispered. 

“Tooth and nail.” Leonard promised. He finally brought himself to look Jim in the eye, facing Jim’s pain. 

“Good.” Jim nodded before turning to the others. “Why don’t you guys just take some personal time? It’s close enough to shift change, and I think you guys can use the time to digest this, I guess. Uhura, will you hit the comms and have beta shift come on early?”

“Yes, Captain.” She turned to Leonard, clasping his hand in hers. She tried to smile, but it never reached her eyes. “I’ll see you later, Leonard.” 

Everyone else filed out, glancing over their shoulders as they left. Finally Jim and Leonard were alone. 

“What are we gonna do about this clusterfuck?” Jim mumbled, his words muffled as he pressed his face against the desktop. 

“We have to play this like adults, Jim. We can’t pretend that this is anything other than what it is. I am going to die. I’m still going to work with my team and Spock to try and find a cure. Or at least some way to slow this down while I train M’Benga to replace me. He’s your best bet for CMO. Already knows the crew and their medical histories, and everyone respects him. You need to get us close enough to Earth that I can get a message to Starfleet and let them know what’s up. It might even be better if I leave the ship once we’re close enough. Medbay is well stocked, but Starfleet Medical is better. I’ll do what I can from here for now though. And…I need to tell Joanna and Joce. And Ma. God, it’s gonna kill ‘em. Especially after my dad.” Leonard tilted his head back, heaving a sigh and staring at the ceiling. He closed his eyes when Jim laid a gentle hand on his arm. 

“We’ll fight this and get through it together, Bones. I know you want what’s best for me, but c’mon. That’s you. It’s been you since you puked on me in a shuttle in Riverside. You’ve been there for me since day one, and now it’s time for me to return the favor. Don’t throw this away. Please.” Jim tightened his hold slightly, holding onto Leonard any way he could.

“Jim, no. I can’t. I’m sorry. You think it’s okay right now, and it is. I’m still relatively healthy right now. It’s gonna get worse though. I’ll get sicker, and weaker. I’m angry about that. I’m going to grieve about that and I’ll only take it out on you if you’re around. I’ve been through this before with my dad. I won’t put you through that too.” Leonard pulled back and crossed his arms over his chest, looking back at Jim and shaking his head.

“No? Fuck you. We entered this relationship mutually and that’s the only way it’s going to end. And it sure as shit isn’t mutual. I love you. And you being sick doesn’t change a goddamn thing about that. You’re only hurting us more than we already are by pushing me away. I need you, Bones. And I know you need me too.” Jim leaned forward, trying to get a hand on Leonard again, but he only scooted his chair out of reach. 

“I said no and I meant it. I’m sorry, Jim. I’m so sorry. You just have to trust my judgement on this. Start saying goodbye to me now, while I’m still around to give you closure. I’m sorry.” Leonard held firm only with considerable effort. The helpless pain in Jim’s eyes was always quick to sway him but he couldn’t do that to him. He couldn’t pull him closer. Not when he wasn’t going to be the one dealing with the fallout of losing him.

Jim growled as he jumped up. “Fine. This is how you want to play it? We’ll do this your way for now. We should be close enough to Earth to get a simple message to Starfleet. We can give them more details when we get closer. In a few hours we should be able to comm your family too. This isn’t over, Leonard. I’m not giving up on you. Not now, and not when you’re gone. We’re going to get through this. Together. I promise you that.” He turned on his heel and left, the automated door hissing shut behind him. 

Leonard scrubbed a hand over his face before pulling open a drawer in his desk. It held a collection of hypos containing a cocktail of steroids, pain relievers, antibiotics… Anything and everything to keep his body working the way it should for as long as possible. He pressed it to his neck with a heartfelt curse and leaned back in his chair again. 

“Fuck this. Fuck being so sick. And fuck you, Jim.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leonard has his first real scare, knocking him and Jim for a loop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took longer to get out than I'd have liked. I got really sick for awhile and then spent a few days covered in hives, so that was a bit of a setback, haha. I'm not going to make any promises, because I'm really out of practice when it comes to writing. But hopefully future chapters won't take so long to come out. At least this is better than a year between updates!

The shrill trilling of Leonard’s comm woke him half an hour into an unplanned nap. He accepted the call with a slap at the bedside panel and scrubbed a hand over his face to stilfle a yawn. “Mm..McCoy. Yeah?” 

“Leonard, its Uhura. The Captain just had me send a deep-space transmission to Starfleet alerting them of the situation. If you want to prepare a message for your family, I can send it as well. Unless you’d rather wait until we’re closer to Earth and can send something longer.” Leonard sighed and sat up, letting Nyota’s calm voice wash over his ragged nerves. 

“Yeah. Yeah, that’d be great. I’ll get something to you by the end of the day. It might be too late if we wait until we’re closer to home and I want them to get something directly from me before… anything happens.” Another yawn distorted his last couple words as he stood, stretching his arms above his head before dropping them back to his side. 

“I think that’d be for the best. Go ahead and send it to my PADD when you’re ready. I’ll see you later, Leonard.” The call disconnected with a soft chime as he plodded towards the kitchenette to make a pot of coffee.

Before he could flip the switch, his door opened with a soft hiss, Jim glancing around before flopping onto the end of the bed.

“Ever hear of knocking, Jim?” Leonard sighed, hip resting against the counter as he leveled a glare. 

Jim waved his hand as is brushing the question out of the air. “I’ve never knocked before and I’m not gonna start now. Besides, I just came to tell you that I’ve been thinking over what you said.”

“And?” Leonard poured two cups of coffee, knowing Jim would only steal his if he tried to make a point with a single cup.

“And while I respect what you’re doing, I’m here to tell you that it’s not going to change anything. I’m not going anywhere, Bones. As your lover, friend, or simply as your Captain; I’m not going anywhere. I’m selfish. You can’t get rid of me. I want as much time as I have left with you and I’m not letting you take that away from me. I’ll let you set the rules, I’ll let you dictate how this goes, but you’re stuck with me.” Jim shrugged and took the cup, taking a long swallow. 

“Damnit! I’m doing this for a reason!” Leonard growled, setting himself in a nearby chair. “You don’t know what it’s like. I’m trying to save you some heartache and you’re not letting me.” 

Jim sat forward, pinning Leonard with his gaze. “Listen up, okay? Because I’m only going to say this once. Breaking up with me? Trying to distance yourself from me and making me watch you die from afar? Yeah, that hurts. That’s not saving me any pain. I may mean so little to you that you can turn your feelings off like a goddamn light switch, but that isn’t the case for me. I love you. I will always love you. For the rest of my life and I want to love you for the rest of your life. Whether that be a week from now or a century. I will take whatever time I get because you mean that much to me. Even when you’re trying to push me away out of some twisted sense of nobility. Or whatever this is.” 

“Fuck you, Jim. You think this is easy? I’m dying and I am terrified of that. I’m scared, I wake up every morning feeling worse and worse. I can feel myself slipping away one day at a time and I want nothing more than to have you fucking hold me and tell me it’s gonna be okay. Don’t you ever question my feelings for you. I’m doing this because I love you. Why can’t you just trust me that this is gonna be better for you in the long run?” Leonard set his cup down with a harsh clink of glass on glass and fisted a hand through his mussed up hair. 

“I love that you always protect me and always have my best interests at heart. I don’t know if anyone other than my mother has ever cared about me the way you do. I just wish you’d let me have a say in this too. I don’t want to lose you any sooner than I have to, Leonard.” Jim choked, his voice breaking over Leonard’s name. “This is our life. I am choosing to spend every moment I can with you while I have the opportunity to do it. Don’t push me away. Please. I’m begging you; don’t make me go away.” 

Leonard heaved a sigh, before furrowing his brow and clutching at his chest. A thin, reedy wheeze was all that came out when he tried to take a deep breath. Jim jumped up, falling to his knees in front of Leonard and clutching at his arms. 

Leonard shoved at him ineffectually. “Just… leave, Jim…. Go.” He tried to sit up straighter, folding his arms behind his head and trying to take deep, even breaths.

“Fuck! Computer! Alert Medical! I need a team to CMO’s quarters now!” Jim reached out for Leonard, who only swayed to the side, dodging the touch.

“Leave… Jim… I said… GO!” Leonard wheezed, glaring at Jim as best he could. Jim shook his head frantically, wide blue eyes taking in Leonard’s bluing lips. 

“No! God, Bones, you can’t breathe! I’m not going anywhere.” Jim reached out to rub Leonard’s arm. 

“Fuck… Fuck…” Leonard turned, grabbing his PADD and hit a few buttons before tossing it on the ground. 

Jim glanced down at it and blinked. “Security? Why? Bones…” 

Leonard closed his eyes against a growing dizziness as the door opened to a harried looking M’Benga and Nurse Chapel. M’Benga ran a tricorder over Leonard as Chapel took Jim by the elbow and tried to lead him to the door. 

“No, I’m staying here. He can’t breathe. He’s gonna be okay, right?” Jim shook himself from Chapel’s grip, searching her face for an answer. 

“He’ll be fine, Captain. We’re going to take good care of him. But you need to leave. He needs to calm down.” Chapel turned sympathetic eyes back towards Jim, but he only shook his head.

“I won’t get in your way but I’m not leaving eith--” Jim was interrupted as Hendorff and another security officer walked through the door. 

“Well, looks like we’re having a party. Everything okay, Doctor?” Hendorff glanced from Jim, to the medical staff, back to Leonard.

Leonard pointed at Jim and shook his head, pulling down the oxygen mask M’Benga had strapped on. “He needs to leave.” 

Hendorff blinked in surprise before nodding and walking over to Jim. “Captain?” Jim shook his head, holding his hands up.

“C’mon, Cupcake. You know how far back Bones and I go. I’m sorry your time got wasted, but there’s no problem here. Don’t make me leave.” Jim reached out, clapping Hendorff on the shoulder and flashing a smile. From the bed, Leonard made an annoyed sound and shook his head, pointing first at Jim and then at the door. When Jim shook his head again, Leonard growled before falling into a coughing fit as the wheezing started up again. Hendorff sighed, bit his lip, and grabbed Jim firmly by the elbow, leading him into the kitchenette. 

“Look, Captain. Jim. I know you and the doc are kinda… complicated right now. But I think you should leave. He’s too wound up right now to do himself any good. Go back to the bridge, or to your quarters. Let the medical team work on him and get him fixed up. You gotta pick your battles here. Are you really going to fix anything right now by staying? Look at him.” Hendorff spoke quietly, soothing tones washing over Jim.

With a sigh, Jim nodded and closed his eyes. “You’re right. You’re right, I’ll go. Just uh… Let me talk to Chapel real quick, okay?” Hendorff nodded but kept a close eye as Jim made his way back to the bed. Leonard stiffened as he approached, and Jim gave him a sad smile before pulling Chapel to the side. “Keep me updated, okay?” She glanced at Leonard before nodding. 

“Yes, Captain.” She stepped over to the bed, rubbing Leonard’s back as she tweaked the dial on the oxygen mask. Leonard kept his eyes on Jim as he left. Two orderlies came in right after him with a stretcher, and M’Benga laughed at the look of disgust on Leonard’s face. 

“It’s protocol and you know it. Besides, I don’t want you doing anything to exert yourself until your levels are back to normal. So hop on up, Leo, and we’ll head down to Medbay.” Leonard acquiesced, sliding from the bed and laying down on the stretcher. Turning his head to the side, he could see the tense lines of Jim’s shoulders as he watched silently from the end of the hall. He kept his eyes on Jim until they filed into the turbolift. 

\--- 

An hour later, he was still in a damn biobed going over his test results with a worried M’Benga. “Leo, this isn’t good. It’s progressing quicker than we thought it would. What happened is that your diaphragm just… couldn’t make your lungs work. I was hoping it’d take longer for this kind of thing to start happening.” 

Leonard sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I know. We’ll wait and see how it goes, but I can already feel myself getting a lot weaker than I wanted to be. At this rate, I might not even have the couple weeks we initially thought. I think… God, Geoff. If you’re ready, I’m going to officially step down as CMO. I need to get my stuff in order. Still gotta send my family a message, and hope we make it back to Earth in time for.. I want to say goodbye to them in person, y’know?” 

M’Benga nodded and clapped a hand on Leonard’s shoulder. “Of course. When you feel up to it, go ahead and start the paperwork and we can send it on to the Captain. For now, your vitals have all stabilized so you should be good to go, unless you’d rather stay here overnight for observation?” 

“No. No, I’m good. I’m just gonna be in my office. Get that paperwork started.” Leonard swung his legs out of bed slowly, bracing himself on M’Benga’s arm and standing. He grabbed his PADD from the side table, looking over his test results until he got to his office and pulled up the proper forms on his computer. Shoulders dropping in a sigh, he looked around the office and pursed his lips. He wasn’t sure what he’d do with his time, let alone where he’d spend it, when this wasn’t his anymore. Hell, he spent more time here than in his own quarters. Certainly spent more nights here. Eyes stinging, he locked the door before dropping down into the chair and burying his face in his hands. Trembling after holding himself together so tightly for so long, he let himself shudder and fall apart with great gulping sobs. He leaned forward as his arms slid back to cradle his head as he cried. Cried for the injustice of a nameless disease slowly shutting his body down. Cried for the future he should have had with Jim, and how coldly he had to keep pushing him away when he wanted nothing more than to crawl into his arms and never leave. Cried for a little girl who’ll grow up without her Daddy. Leonard was a strong man, and despite the tears freely flowing, he’d remain a strong man until his dying day. The only trouble was, that day seemed to be getting closer and closer by the hour.

It wasn’t fucking fair.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on tumblr! feverpitchfiasco


End file.
